Fuck the Winter

This post was written by admin on January 28, 2009
Posted Under: Pathetic

Ain’t winter some bullshit? Not even the warm kind that fertilizes your flowers and reminds you of your home town. No, this is some cold, hostile shit like Israeli-Arab relations. This shit will kill you.
Ever since I was a little boy, I knew it. I heard my mother say, “Boys, you better go out there and shovel that driveway. Your father’s not getting any younger and one of these days he might have a heart-attack lifting that heavy snow. And don’t stand under a window ledge and come crying to me when you get an icicle stuck in your head!”
Then you get done shoveling in the pouring snow. The driveway looks like you didn’t even touch it. You come in for some cocoa before you go out and shovel again and you hear on the radio, “A buss ful of school children crashed through the guard-rail and into the Allegheny River. All 55 children died of hypothermia. Or they drowned.”
Even the winter sports murder motherfuckers. I got you, babe? No you don’t. That guy died from impacting a tree, head on. He wasn’t driving drunk. He was trying to have fun. You like ice skating, you say? Maybe indoors it’s okay. Maybe. My dad used to tell us the same story every year about pulling his sister through the broken ice. She almost died having fun. Even if you’re at a rink, what if some drunk motherfucker on hockey skates decides he’s going to do a triple axle and he doesn’t see your ass? Marie Antoinette.
Snow days. That was the only good thing about the winter. If it snowed too much they’d cancel school and you could go slam your sled into a tree. Or it would be too cold to legally let kids wait for the bus and you just stay inside. “Did you finish your homework?”
Yes, winter is some cruel, deadly bullshit. Especially if you live in a city that doesn’t plow its roads. If they do, it’s maybe a dozen people on crystal-meth with big spoons saying to each other, “We could get Oakland done in an hour if I did another line. Fuck no I don’t need a coat!”
Of course some pencil-neck could mumble some statistic about the cost of salt and the rising cost of health-care for the plow-truck drivers and blah blah blah. First of all, 2/3’s of the planet is covered by salty water and in the rest of it, salt is fairly common. We’re not scattering diamonds on the fucking roads. This isn’t Jupiter Island. Secondly, this shit about labor and health care costs just goes to show that the government would rather let you crash and die than provide maintenance to the roads. This in a state with billion-dollar casinos, high-rise real-estate that pay no property taxes and motherfuckers looking for work. I’m sure we could find a way to clear the road so I don’t have to feel like I’m driving on a fucking lake.
Mother Nature’s cold indeed, but we can’t let the bitch sap our spirit, hence the attempt at dark humor. If you didn’t like it, go piss some better jokes into the snow in cursive. If you’re a girl, squatting is a perfect time to think of something funny. And if you think you’re so much better than me, please tell your jokes to as many people as possible. We all need a laugh.

D. Senter

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