Dog Who Bites Bacon Takes the Long Nap
Posted Under: Pathetic
[ I feel obliged to remind readers that all of the events described below are entirely fictional. Any similarity to actual Venango County police officers is coincidental.
Futhermore, nothing in the following story is intended to damage the reputation of any police officer in Franklin, Oil City or any law enforcement agency in Venango County or the government. It's all a joke, baby!]
Last week, Melvin Dumbar of Venango County was cooking his usual high-cholesterol breakfast when he noticed his German shepherd’s gleaming erection and a widening puddle of drool around his forelimbs.
“I wondered to myself what could be making him so excited,” said Dumbar. “I mean, as far as sexy goes, most women I’ve asked have said they would rather date a retarded bulldog.”
Dumbar slid his spatula under his bacon, the dog barked, the red rocket bouncing in drool. “Bacon?” said Dumbar, upon which the 80-pound beast tackled Dumbar and proceeded to hump his thigh while inhaling the hot pig flesh. A sight to behold indeed.
Just as Dumbar’s head struck his coffee table - rendering him unconscious for three days - he knew for sure: the bacon had set him off. Fortunately, a friend found Dumbar less than an hour later, alive, but bleeding from the head and covered in bacon grease, dog saliva and semen.
“It was pretty nasty and sad, but kind of funny. I mean, Mel would have laughed at me if he saw me swimming in Rover’s love puddle,” said Felix Bremen.
The first thing he said was ‘Bacon!’” said Bremen. Dumbar refused to euthanize Trevor. Rather, he wondered why he hadn’t noticed. On several other occassions, Trevor, the meat-hungry mutt, had chaseded uniformed policemen and off-duty cops in their sleepy woodland town. On another occassion, a cat burglar had filched Dumbar’s collection of footbal cards. Trevor was gentle as a lamb to the burglar as anyone else, except policemen.
“They just run away whimpering like toddlers when they saw Trevor,” said Dumbar.
“I knew that if I didn’t put his craving for bacon to good use, it would get both of us in trouble. I can only cook bacon a few times a week on account of the saturated fat,” said Dumbar. Besides breakfast time and in the presence of officers of the law, Trevor was a well-behaved, affectionate, and loyal animal.
He could hardly be blamed. “There’s just something about bacon that drove him wild. Whether it’s the saltiness, its glaring injustice, the murder or a combination of all of them, I can’t say,” said Dumbar. “Trevor is so sweet.”
Then, something incredible happened. For the first time since the French and Indian War, a criminal took a hostage in Venango County. A hapless criminal chose to rob the credit union next to the police station just as Officer Goldman - off duty - was making a deposit. Without thinking the burglar took Goldman hostage and sped away in his 1992 Chevy Cavalier to the Riverfront Park on Ninth Street.
“I heard the scanner say ‘Subject speeding on Elk Street’ and a minute later I saw a rust Cavalier screech into the parking lot,” says Dumbar. The burglar dragged Officer Goldman out of the car, kicked his naked buttocks and made him run up stream along French Creek. “When Trevor say Goldman’s thin hairy bacon ass, he lost it,” says Dumbar. “I had to let him go or get mauled myself.”
Trevor quickly overtook the pair, tackled Goldman and inflicted a wound that required 20 stitches and a tetnus shot. “I’m glad I got there before any of the officers got hurt. Trevor was pretty riled up,” says Dumbar, who was forced to euthanize Trevor yesterday. “I know my dog viciously attacked a police officer, but he really did save him and the rest of the force a potentially dangerous situation,” says Dumbar.
The police remain nonplussed and generally unsympathetic for Dumbar’s loss. A representative of the police released a statement saying “Though we regret Mr. Dumbar has lost his companion, we also cannot tolerate the vicious animosity his animal displayed towards officers of the law. It is the opinion of this station and the government that such rabid hatred towards officers of the law must be eradicated at its source.”
Dumbar is not comforted. “It just goes to show that pigs can get away with murder. My Trevor saved this man’s life and possibly the lives of other officers. This is a travesty of justice.” What the people of Franklin can agreed upon is that a dog loves to eat bacon and will kill themselves to get it.
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